Sunday, August 30, 2009

MY BIG BROTHER

I WAS SO EXCITED TO HAVE THE HONOR OF LEARNING THE GAME OF BASEBALL FROM ONE OF THE GREATEST TEACHERS, MY BIG BROTHER. HE KNEW THE GAME AND I SIMPLY WAS A STUDENT. IT WAS SO MUCH FUN TO SPEND SUCH GREAT TIME WITH HIM AND HIS BEAUTIFUL GIRLS, MY NIECES. HE WAS A SUPERB SHORTSTOP PLAYER, AND HE ALSO WAS A WONDERFUL COACH. HE TAUGHT ME MANY, MANY THINGS ABOUT BASEBALL THOSE COUPLE OF SUMMERS; BUT HE TAUGHT ME SO MUCH MORE ABOUT MYSELF AND THE HERO OF A MAN THAT HE IS. I WAS TEN YEARS HIS JUNIOR GROWING UP; AND I'M SURE THAT THAT IN ITSELF COULDN'T HAVE BEEN EASY. I ALWAYS HAD ADMIRED HIM, AND HIS QUIET SOFT- SPOKEN WAY. I JUST DON'T THINK THAT ON A GROWNUP LEVEL WE HAD BECOME ACQUAINTED. HOWEVER, THOSE PRACTICES, GAMES, WINS, LOSSES, AND LAUGHTER WE ALL SHARED THAT SUMMER SOMEHOW MADE US A TEAM. I WAS SO PROUD OF HIM AND THE WAY THAT HE COULD TEACH THESE YOUNG GIRLS. HE INSPIRED COURAGE IN THEM, AND IN ME. HE MADE ME FEEL A PART OF SOMETHING TRULY SPECIAL. I KNEW AT THE TIME THAT THOSE GAMES, PRACTICES, ETC. , WOULD BE SOME OF THE GREATEST TIMES OF MY LIFE. UP UNTIL YESTERDAY I DON'T THINK I REALIZED JUST HOW VERY MUCH IT IMPACTED MY LIFE. AS I WATCHED THOSE KIDS LOVE AND PLAY WITH ALL THEIR HEARTS A GAME THAT BROUGHT ME SO MUCH HAPPINESS AT A EARLIER TIME, I KNEW THAT I NEEDED TO ACKNOWLEDGE ONE OF MY YOUNGER GUARDIAN ANGELS, MY BIG BROTHER. IT WAS A LONG ROAD BACK TO HAVE HIM BACK IN MY LIFE, AND IT HAS MADE THE JOURNEY WELL WORTH THE FIGHT, AND IT ALSO REAFFIRMS TO ME THAT I KNOW THAT I AM ONCE AGAIN ON THE RIGHT PATH..

THE BEST TIMES OF MY LIFE....

I TALK A LOT ABOUT THE GUARDIAN ANGELS IN MY LIFE, AS OF RECENTLY, AS IF THERE WERE NONE PRIOR. THAT IN ITSELF IS QUITE UNTRUE. FOR I AM VERY VERY, LUCKY. I HAVE HAD THEM MY WHOLE LIFE, ALL AROUND ME. THEY WERE THERE FOR ME FROM THE BEGINNING AND YET I MENTION THE CURRENT ONES AS IF I HAD NONE PRIOR. YOU KNOW HOW SOMETIMES YOU JUST KNOW THAT WHAT IS HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE AT ONE MOMENT WILL FOREVER BE ONE OF THE GREATEST TIMES IN YOUR LIFE? SO THIS HAPPENS TO BE ONE OF MY FIRST ANGELS, ONE THAT IS STILL A GUIDE AND INSPIRATION TO ME TODAY. HE ALSO HAPPENS TO BE MY BIG BROTHER. YESTERDAY, BEING LAZY DUE TO THE HEAT OF THE LATE CALIFORNIA SUMMER, I HAPPENED TO TURN ON TELEVISION TO THE LITTLE LEAGUE WORLD SERIES. ALMOST INSTANTLY I WAS TAKEN BACK TO ONE OF THE GREATEST TIMES IN MY LIFE, THE YEARS I WAS PRIVILEGED ENOUGH TO ASSIST MY BIG BROTHER WITH HIS COACHING HIS DAUGHTERS IN THEIR LITTLE LEAGUE BASEBALL DREAMS.

Monday, August 24, 2009

GUARDIAN ANGEL IN DISGUISE

WHEN I AWOKE IN COUNTY JAIL AND REALIZED THAT I WAS INDEED MOST LIKELY RETURNING TO PRISON FOR THE SECOND TIME, I WAS DEVASTATED. TO SAY THAT IS PUTTING IT VERY MILDLY. FOR I ALSO KNEW THAT MY FAMILY, FRIENDS AND ANYONE THAT I HAD GAINED TRUST WITH WERE INDEED OUT OF MY LIFE. FRANKLY, I KNEW ALSO THAT I HAD NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME EXCEPT MYSELF. MY SISTER HAD INFORMED ME THAT SHE WAS DONE, THAT IF I BEGAN TO MAKE POOR CHOICES AGAIN SHE JUST COULDN'T CONTINUE TO BE A PART OF MY LIFE. SO, I KNEW, AND HONESTLY I COULDN'T BLAME HER. THIS WAS DEVASTATING AND HEART- WRENCHING. I FELT THAT I WAS ALL ALONE, WHICH I WAS, AND THAT I DIDN'T HAVE ANY LOVE COMING, FROM ANY SOURCE. I KNEW THAT THE ONLY WAY FOR ME TO BE ABLE TO DO THE TIME, WAS WITH SOMEONE ON THE OUTSIDE. I NEEDED A PEN PAL. I SEARCHED MY HEART AND I KNEW THAT I AND I ALONE HAD BURNT ALMOST ALL BRIDGES TO ANY ONE THAT WOULD BE A DECENT PEN PAL. HOWEVER, ONE MORNING I AWOKE, THOUGHT OF A PERSON WHOM I HAD KNOW FOR TWENTY-FIVE YEARS, WHO WAS A KIND AND VERY ARTICULATE MAN. I COULD EVEN RECALL HIS ADDRESS. THAT IN ITSELF WAS A HUGE BONUS. SO I PROCEEDED TO WRITE HIM A BRIEF LETTER. I EXPLAINED THAT I HAD REALLY MESSED UP, AND THAT I REALLY, DESPERATELY NEEDED, AND WANTED A GOOD PEN PAL. IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE HE RESPONDED. I WAS OVERJOYED THAT HE WOULD EVEN RESPOND. THE LETTER, HOWEVER, WAS NOT ALL THAT ENCOURAGING. YOU SEE, HE WAS A RECOVERING ALCOHOLIC, 77, AND HE SAID THAT HE FELT THAT THESE THINGS NEVER SEEMED TO WORK OUT. HE GAVE ME A LITTLE GLIMMER OF HOPE THOUGH WHEN HE TOLD ME THAT IF I WROTE TO HIM WHEN I GOT TO WHERE I WAS GOING, HE WOULD MAKE A DECISION THEN. LONG STORY SHORT: ONCE I GOT TO LIVE OAK PRISON IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA, I WROTE IMMEDIATELY. IT WAS ONLY A COUPLE OF DAYS UNTIL I GOT A MUCH ANTICIPATED, WONDERFUL LETTER. HE ALSO EXPLAINED THAT HE WOULD BE WILLING TO CORRESPOND WITH ME. HOWEVER, HE ASKED THAT I PLEASE NOT ASK HIM FOR THINGS. WELL, THAT WORKED GREAT FOR ME, AS I TRULY JUST WANTED A GOOD PEN PAL, WHO WOULD WRITE. I NEVER ASKED HIM FOR ANYTHING. HOWEVER, MY DEAR STEPHEN NOT ONLY WROTE TO ME AT LEAST TWO OR THREE TIMES A WEEK, HE ALWAYS SENT ME POSTAGE STAMPS, PICTURES, AND GREAT JOKES THAT TRULY SAVED MY SPIRIT IN SUCH A HELLISH PLACE. STEPHEN AND I ARE DEAR, DEAR, DEAR FRIENDS; AND I LOVE HIM VERY MUCH. HE TOUCHED MY HEART AT ONE OF THE HARDEST TIMES AND TRULY SOFTENED IT. HE MADE ME BELIEVE IN ME AGAIN, AND I COULDN'T AND WOULD NOT HAVE EVER STARTED THIS BLOG WITHOUT HIS ENCOURAGEMENT, SUPPORT, AND LOVE. THANK YOU, STEPHEN T. , FOR LOVING ME, WHEN I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO LOVE MYSELF. YOU ARE FOR CERTAIN ONE OF THE FIRST GUARDIAN ANGELS THAT CAME INTO MY LIFE.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

MY FIRST GUARDIAN ANGEL: PEGGY JO

WHILE DOING MY TIME IN LIVE OAK PRISON I WAS GRANTED A VERY SPECIAL AND UNIQUE ANGEL. HER NAME IS PEGGY JO. I WAS GETTING READY TO PAROLE AND I SOON REALIZED THAT I HAD NOWHERE TO GO, AND NO SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM. TO SAY THE LEAST, I WAS TRAUMATIZED. I HAD MADE UP MY MIND NOT TO REPEAT THE SAME MISTAKES OF MY PAST OR MAKE THE POOR CHOICES I HAD MADE. HOWEVER, I KNEW THAT WITHOUT A GOOD SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM, OTHER THAN A 12- STEP PROGRAM, AND A MIND- SET IT WOULD BE VERY DIFFICULT. SO I BEGAN TO WRITE TO EVERY ORGANIZATION, CHURCH, PROGRAM, AND EVEN PAROLE TO ASK FOR ANY ADVICE OR ASSISTANCE. I EVEN INCLUDED IN EACH LETTER A RETURN SELF-ADDRESSED, STAMPED ENVELOPE, JUST TO MAKE IT EASIER FOR THEM TO RESPOND. WELL, WEEK AFTER ANXIOUS WEEK I WAITED, WITH NO RESPONSE. MY SISTER, LINDA LEE, THE FRIEND WHOM I HAD MET AND CHOSE TO CALL ME SISTER, KEPT REASSURING ME. HOWEVER, I STILL SEEMED TO GET NO RESPONSE. I WAS QUICKLY LOSING FAITH. I KNEW THE PATH I WANTED TO BE ON, ONE OF SOBRIETY, INTEGRITY, AND DOING THE RIGHT THINGS. HOWEVER, I WAS FRIGHTENED. I KNEW HOW HARD IT WAS WITHOUT A SOLID SUPPORT SYSTEM. IT WOULD BE EASY TO FALL BACK INTO OLD BEHAVIORS AND PATTERNS, BECAUSE THEY WERE WHAT I KNEW. HOWEVER, I TRULY DID NOT WANT TO DO THAT. NO MATTER WHAT! ONE DAY OUT OF THE BLUE MY SISTER LINDA LEE CAME TO ME. SHE JUST SMILED, AND WITH A TEAR IN HER EYE TOLD ME THAT ALL WOULD BE OK. I ASKED HER HOW? SHE JUST SAID, "PLEASE, HAVE FAITH IN WHAT I AM SAYING AND YOU WILL SEE." IT WAS A HARD REQUEST FOR ME. I WANTED TO KNOW THE PLAN, EVEN THOUGH I'VE HEARD IT SAID, "EVERY TIME YOU PLAN FOR SOMETHING, YOUR CREATOR JUST SITS BACK AND LAUGHS." I STILL HAD TO TRUST HER, AS I SIMPLY HAD NO OTHER CHOICE. I ALSO KNEW THAT I HAD COME THIS FAR AND THAT BECAUSE OF THAT MY GOD WASN'T GOING TO LET ME DOWN, ALTHOUGH I WASN'T CLEAR ON JUST WHAT HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE PLANNED. A LADY AT THE PRISON INTRODUCED ME TO A PEN PAL. HER NAME WAS PEGGY JO. SHE LIVED CLOSE TO THE PRISON, SHE HAD NEVER BEEN INVOLVED IN DRUGS OR ALCOHOL, WAS A WONDERFUL, KIND AND GOOD LADY. PERHAPS SHE COULD HELP ME, OR AT LEAST PICK ME UP, IF FOR NO OTHER REASON THAN TO GET ME TO PAROLE. THAT IS THE VERY FIRST THING THAT IS REQUIRED OF YOU WHEN YOU GET OUT OF PRISON. YOU MUST GO AND REPORT TO YOUR AGENT, MAKE CONTACT, AND GIVE THEM AN ADDRESS WHERE YOU CAN BE FOUND, AND ALSO TEST. SO, VERY SOON I WAS GIVEN THIS LADY'S ADDRESS. I WROTE HER RIGHT AWAY. SHE RESPONDED RIGHT AWAY. THANK THE GODS! WE GOT ACQUAINTED AND SHE LEARNED OF THE ISSUES I WAS FACING UPON MY RELEASE. I EXPLAINED TO HER THAT I WAS NOT EXPECTING HER TO TAKE
ON ANY TYPE OF FINANCIAL BURDEN FOR ME, OR IN ANY WAY PUT HERSELF OUT. THE ONE THING I HAD LEARNED, OR WAS LEARNING, WAS NOT TO BE SO SELF- CENTERED, OR MANIPULATIVE. IT WAS A PROCESS. HOWEVER, I WAS COMMITTED TO IT NOT BECOMING A WAY OF LIFE FOR ME. WELL, PEGGY JO WAS VERY KIND AND GRACIOUS ENOUGH TO SEND ME SOME CLOTHES TO BE ABLE TO PAROLE IN. I TOLD HER THAT I WOULD REIMBURSE HER WITH THE $200.00 GATE MONIES I WOULD RECEIVE. SHE ALSO AGREED TO PICK ME UP ON THE BIG DAY AND DRIVE ME TO CHICO, WHICH WAS A GOOD 25 MILES AWAY. I HAD ALSO COMMITTED TO PAYING FOR HER GAS, WHICH I'M SURE WAS A LOT. WELL, THE MOST WELCOME SIGHT I EVER SAW WAS THAT OF MY NEW GUARDIAN ANGEL ON THE BIG DAY, AS SHE CAME UP TO THE GATE TO PICK ME UP. I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT PEGGY JO HAS BECOME ONE OF MY DEAREST FRIENDS TO DATE. I LOVE HER SO VERY MUCH. I KNOW THAT SHE IS ONE OF MY STRONGEST SUPPORTS, AND SHE DOESN'T LET ME GET AWAY WITH ANY OF MY BULLSHIT. I LOVE HER. SHE HAS BEEN ONE OF THE GUIDING FORCES IN MY LIFE. I SIMPLY DON'T KNOW WHAT I WOULD EVER DO WITH OUT HER. WHEN LINDA LEE TOLD ME I HAD MANY, MANY BLESSINGS, BLESSINGS BEYOND MY WILDEST IMAGINATION, I WOULD NEVER HAVE DREAMED THAT I WOULD HAVE SUCH A DEAR BLESSING OF A FRIEND AS PEGGY JO.

Thursday, August 20, 2009

SPIRITUALITY

YESTERDAY A WOMAN SAID TO ME, " YOU ALWAYS CLAIM TO BE SUCH A CHRISTIAN LADY." NOW, I FOUND THAT TO BE VERY UPSETTING, BECAUSE I AM WHAT I BELIEVE TO BE A SPIRITUAL PERSON. YES, I DO BELIEVE IN JESUS CHRIST, THE FATHER, AND I ALSO THINK THAT MY SPIRITUALITY COMES FROM MANY OTHER PLACES. I LOVE THE BEAUTY OF NATURE AND WHEN I AM DIGGING IN THE SOIL I FEEL VERY CLOSE TO MY CREATOR. FOR SOME, I THINK IT IS CALLED BUDDHA, OTHERS FATHER SKY, ALLAH, AND FOR SOME IT MAY EVEN BE AS SIMPLE AS THE BELIEF IN SOMETHING BIGGER THAN THEM. I THINK THAT THEY ARE ALL CORRECT, IN THEIR OWN RIGHT. I AM NOT A BIG STRONG SUPPORTER OF ANY TYPE OF ORGANIZED RELIGION, UNLESS THAT IS WHAT WORKS FOR YOU. I, HOWEVER, SIMPLY THINK THAT THE GOLDEN RULE IS KEY. I PERSONALLY HAVE NEVER LOST THE GOD OF MY UNDERSTANDING, SO THE IDEA OF BEING "BORN AGAIN" IS A THOUGHT THAT IS LOST FOR ME. I DID MANY YEARS TRAPPED IN JAILS AND INSTITUTIONS, AS WELL AS MY OWN MIND, AND I MET MANY PEOPLE WHO SUDDENLY WOULD SEEM TO FIND A GOD OF THEIR UNDERSTANDING IN ONE OF THOSE PLACES. IT ALWAYS PUZZLED ME SOMEWHAT AS IT SEEMED THAT THEY WOULD ALWAYS LEAVE HIM THERE WHEN THEY LEFT. IT SEEMS TO ME THAT ORGANIZED RELIGION HAS CAUSED MANY TURBULENT TIMES IN THE HISTORY OF MAN. LOTS OF WARS , MONEY AND GREED SOMEHOW FOLLOW A LOT OF THESE ORGANIZATIONS. I LIKE IT BEST WHEN I JUST SIT BACK AND ASK MYSELF, "WHAT WOULD JESUS DO?" OR BUDDHA, OR MOTHER EARTH. AM I BEING HONEST, TRUE AND KIND? YES, INDEED, I LIKE WHAT MY MOTHER TOLD ME, "IT IS THE GOLDEN RULE: DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE THEM DO UNTO YOU."AS FOR THE WOMAN WHO MADE THE COMMENT ABOUT MY CLAIMS TO CHRISTIANITY, WELL , PERHAPS SHE NEEDS TO LOOK AT HER OWN TRUTH, AND DO WHAT HER CREATOR WOULD ASK OF HER..... JUDGE NOT!!!!!!

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

FIRKANDAL: THE 22- YEAR- OLD CAT

AS I WAS CHECKING OUT AT THE 99 CENT STORE, ON MY WAY TO PICK UP MY NEW DOG, THE CHECKER BEGAN TO CRY. WHAT IS THE MATTER? I ASKED HER. SHE EXPLAINED HER PLIGHT, OF LOSING HER HOME, HER IMPENDING DIVORCE AFTER 20- ODD YEARS AND THAT THE TWO CATS SHE CHERISHED WERE CURRENTLY RESIDING IN HER CAR. MY FRIEND SPOKE UP AND TOLD HER THAT IF SHE GAVE US HER TELEPHONE NUMBER, JODY,WOULD HELP. WELL,THAT WAS TRUE, AS I AM A VERY AVID ANIMAL LOVER AND I COULD SEE THAT THIS WAS A GOOD WOMAN WHO NEEDED ME. NOW, I HAD ONLY BEEN OUT OF PRISON FOR ABOUT 7 MONTHS AT THIS POINT AND I WAS RELUCTANT, BUT I WANTED TO HELP IF I COULD. SO, ABOUT 4 DAYS LATER I CALLED THE LADY. HER NAME IS BONNIE. WE SPOKE, AND AFTER SOME TIME I REALIZED, THAT THIS TO WAS INDEED A SIGN. I COULD GIVE BACK IN A SMALL WAY, BY PERHAPS HELPING THIS DEAR LADY AND HER 22- YEAR -OLD CAT .
SHE WAS SO HEARTBROKEN BY HER CIRCUMSTANCES, AND I HOPED THAT I COULD BECOME ONE THING FOR HER TO CLING TO. THREE DAYS LATER I EXPLAINED HOW TO GET TO MY APARTMENT, AND HER AND HER GROWN DAUGHTER, FROM OUT OF TOWN, BROUGHT THE CAT TO MY HOME. I COULD SEE THAT THEY WERE SO TORN UP BY THIS, AND JUST HOW VERY MUCH THEY LOVED THIS CAT. THEY SAID THAT SHE HAD BEEN IN THEIR FAMILY SINCE SHE WAS ABOUT 6 WEEKS OLD. SO I SHOWED THEM MY APT. WE CHATTED, THEY SAW HOW VERY MUCH I LOVED MY NEW LITTLE DOG, AND WITH THAT THEY BEGAN TO SAY THEIR GOODBYES TO THEIR BELOVED CAT. THEY EXPLAINED TO ME THAT MZ. FIRKITS AS SHE WAS AFFECTIONATELY KNOWN, WAS QUITE THE RULER, AND BOSS OF THE HOUSEHOLD. IT WAS PRETTY MUCH HER WAY OR NO WAY. THEY ASKED ME IF IT WAS O.K. IF THEY COULD VISIT ON OCCASION, WHICH I AGREED TO RIGHT AWAY. THIS WAS A LADY THAT I THOUGHT I COULD BECOME FRIENDS WITH. SHE SEEMED TO BE A VERY GOOD PERSON AND I LIKED HER AND HER DAUGHTER. I WAS WALKING THEM TO THEIR CAR WHEN I SUDDENLY STOPPED. I TOLD THEM I HAD SOMETHING VERY IMPORTANT TO TELL THEM. I EXPLAINED THAT I WAS ON PAROLE AND THAT I STILL HAD WELL OVER A YEAR TO GO ON MY PAROLE, BEFORE , HOPEFULLY, DISCHARGING. I ALSO EXPLAINED THAT I HAD INDEED BEEN CLEAN AND THAT I WAS WORKING DILIGENTLY ON BECOMING A BETTER WOMAN. I TOLD THEM THAT I HAD SEVERAL BACKUPS, FOR MY PETS IN AN EMERGENCY. HOWEVER, I WANTED THEM TO UNDERSTAND WHERE I WAS COMING FROM. IT TOOK ME BY COMPLETE SURPRISE WHEN MY NEW- FOUND FRIEND TURNED TO ME AND JUST SAID "YOU ARE OUR CAT ANGEL. ARE YOU KIDDING? YOU ARE GOING TO DO JUST GREAT. I CAN TELL." WHAT A VERY FLATTERING COMMENT, AND ONE I DID NOT DESERVE AT THAT POINT, AND SO I TOLD HER YOU CAN CALL ME YOUR CAT ANGEL AFTER I AM OFF PAROLE AND FIRKITS IS DOING GREAT...

Monday, August 17, 2009

THE DREADED YEAR IN PRISON WENT BY RELATIVELY QUICKLY AND IT WAS VERY SOON THAT I WAS CONTEMPLATING MY PAROLE DATE. I SOON REALIZED THAT I HAD NOWHERE TO GO, NO SUPPORT SYSTEM , NO KIND OF EMOTIONAL OR FINANCIAL MEANS. I HAD ACQUIRED A WONDERFUL PEN PAL THROUGH A WONDERFUL WOMAN WHO WORKED AT THE PRISON. HOWEVER, I FELT I SIMPLY COULD NOT ASK HER FOR ALL THAT I NEEDED. SHE DID, HOWEVER, AGREE TO PICK ME UP ON THE DAY THAT I WOULD PAROLE AND TAKE ME TO ALL OF THE NECESSARY PLACES I NEEDED TO GO TO COMPLY WITH PAROLE. SHE ALSO AGREED TO SEND ME A PAROLE BOX OF CLOTHES THAT I COULD WEAR OUT OF THE PRISON. THEY GIVE YOU WHAT IS CALLED GATE MONEY . HOWEVER, IT IS ONLY $200.00 AND IT DOESN'T GO REAL FAR WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING . WHILE IN PRISON I HAD ALSO BEFRIENDED A WONDERFUL WOMAN NAMED LINDA LEE. SHE WOULD ALWAYS REFER TO ME AS HER SISTER . I FOUND HER TO BE A WONDERFUL AND KIND PERSON AND SOMEONE WHO LIVED VERY CLOSE TO WHERE I WOULD BE PAROLING, NOT TO MENTION THAT SHE WAS MY SAME AGE AND WAS ALSO QUITE DETERMINED TO TURN HER LIFE AROUND. WE WERE BOTH SICK AND TIRED OF BEING SICK AND TIRED . MY LINDA SEEMED TO BE ABLE TO SEE THE CHANGES IN ME. SHE SAW ME DROP THE SELF- CENTERED ATTITUDES AND ADDICTIVE TRAITS AND OPENED MY HEART TO BEING UNSELFISH, KIND, FORGIVING, AND LETTING MY SOUL SURRENDER TO A GREATER GOOD OUTSIDE OF MYSELF, ONE THAT COULD AND WOULD RESTORE ME TO SANITY . WHENEVER I WAS TROUBLED OR WORRIED ABOUT WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO , LINDA WOULD REASSURE ME. "JODY, YOU ARE GOING TO BE SO BLESSED IF YOU JUST STAY FOCUSED AND BELIEVE." LITTLE DID I KNOW JUST HOW POWERFUL AND FAR THOSE WORDS WOULD GO TO GUIDING ME ON MY JOURNEY . THE GREAT DAY ARRIVED, MAY14, AND I WALKED OUT OF LIVE OAK PRISON A FREE WOMAN . MY NEW FRIEND WAS THERE TO GREET ME, PEGGY JO, AND WHAT A WONDERFUL SIGHT SHE WAS . SHE WAS WONDERFUL . SHE NOT ONLY TOOK ME TO ALL THE PLACES I NEEDED TO GO, SHE ALSO ASSISTED ME WITH GETTING THE NECESSARY HYGIENE GOODS I WOULD NEED TO SURVIVE . PEGGY JO WAS JUST ONE OF THE MANY GUARDIAN ANGELS I WOULD BE PROVIDED ON MY NEW JOURNEY. IT WASN'T AN EASY FIRST FEW MONTHS. HOWEVER, I KEPT IT TOGETHER DESPITE A COUPLE OF MINOR SETBACKS . I ALWAYS TESTED CLEAN FOR PAROLE ,MADE IT TO ALL MY MEETINGS , AND LISTENED TO ADVICE AND SUGGESTIONS FROM ANYONE KIND ENOUGH TO OFFER IT. WITHIN ABOUT 5 MONTHS I HAD FOUND AN APT. THAT I LOVED , AND THE LANDLORD WAS WILLING TO LET ME CLEAN IT FOR MY DEPOSIT . I COULD EVEN BUILD AN AMAZING GARDEN, HAVE PETS, AND ENJOY MY LIFE IN A NICE, CLEAN, SAFE PLACE . IT WAS IN THE FALL THAT MY DEAR FRIEND AND VERY STRONG SUPPORTER PEGGY JO CALLED. "HEY,I'D LIKE TO COME UP FOR THE WEEKEND. I HAVE A SURPRISE TO SHOW YOU." SHE HAD JUST GOTTEN HERSELF A NEW DOG. I WAS THRILLED! FIRST, I ADORE DOGS; AND, SECOND, I WANTED THE COMPANY. IT WAS A WONDERFUL VISIT, AND I SO ENJOYED HER NEW DOG, BAILEY BOO, A 15 LB. RAT TERRIER. HE WAS SO GREAT! VERY SMART AND TRAINED, NOT VERY BIG. IT WAS THEN THAT I THOUGHT I WANTED A DOG. I DID NOT JUMP INTO THIS DECISION LITELY AS I WAS STILL ON PAROLE. YES, I WAS CLEAN. I TALKED TO A COUPLE OF PEOPLE JUST FOR BACK- UP. I WASN'T EXACTLY A WEALTHY WOMAN, AND I WANTED TO BE A RESPONSIBLE PET OWNER. I ALSO REALIZED THAT I WAS QUITE LONELY, AND THAT I NEEDED TO FOCUS ON SOMETHING OUTSIDE OF MYSELF. WELL, MY DEAR FRIEND PEGGY WAS RIGHT ON IT, AND IT WASN'T LONG BEFORE SHE LOCATED A FEMALE RAT TERRIER THAT WAS UP FOR ADOPTION. THIS WAS JUST A COUPLE WEEKS AFTER THANKSGIVING AND SO I CALLED THE LADY . WELL , IT ALMOST SEEMED FROM THE PHONE CALL THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO GET RID OF THE DOG. SHE SIMPLY DID NOT HAVE A KIND THING TO SAY ABOUT IT. SHE TOLD ME THAT THE DOG DESPITE ALL THEIR BEST EFFORTS COULD NOT BE HOUSE- BROKEN, THAT THEY HAD RESCUED HER FROM THE POUND AND THAT THEY HAD BEEN TOLD OF VERY ABUSIVE HOMES. THE DOG WAS VERY TIMID AND SHY AND SHE COULD NOT BE LEASH-TRAINED . I'M NOT SURE WHY BUT FOR SOME REASON I JUST KNEW THAT THIS WAS INDEED GOING TO BE MY DOG, THAT TOGETHER WE COULD AND WOULD SHOW THE WORLD THAT THE UNDERDOGS, EVEN THE LOST ONES, COULD COME BACK, BETTER THAN EVER . SO, 2 WEEKS LATER PEGGY JO CAME TO CHICO TO TAKE ME TO OROVILLE, WHICH IS ABOUT 17 MILES FROM HERE, TO PICK HER UP. AS WE DROVE OUT OF TOWN WE STOPPED AT THE 99 CENT STORE. I WANTED TO BE ALL PREPARED. THE DAY WAS VERY COLD OUTSIDE AND WINDY AND RAINY. WE WENT INTO THE STORE AND CHECKED OUT THE PET AISLE. I TOOK MY PURCHASES TO THE CHECKOUT. AS I REACHED THE CLERK SHE GLANCED AT MY THINGS AND SAID, "YOU MUST LOVE ANIMALS." SHE WAS CRYING. WELL, YES, YES, I DO, I TOLD HER. WHAT IS THE MATTER? WELL, SHE TOLD US OF HER TERRIBLE PLIGHT. SHE HAD HER 2 CATS LIVING IN HER CAR BECAUSE HER AND HER HUSBAND HAD LOST THEIR HOME AND WERE DIVORCING. THE WORST PART WAS THAT THE OLDEST CAT WAS 22 YEARS OLD AND SHE WAS BESIDE HERSELF. MY FRIEND PEGGY JO SPEAKS UP, "GIVE US YOUR NUMBER. JODY WILL CALL YOU." YES, I GOT HER NUMBER, AND WE WERE ON OUR WAY TO OROVILLE. JUST PRIOR TO ARRIVING I TELEPHONED THE LADY TO CONFIRM HER ADDRESS, AND SHE TELLS ME THAT SHE ISN'T SURE OF GIVING THE DOG UP. I ASKED IF I COULD AT LEAST JUST COME AND MEET HER. WELL YES, I GUESS THAT WILL BE OK. I HAD SO MUCH EMOTION IN MY HEART AT THAT MOMENT. IT IS HARD TO EXPLAIN. WE ARRIVED, RANG THE DOORBELL. SHE OPENED THE DOOR. THROUGH THE HOUSE AND OUT THROUGH THE KITCHEN WE COULD SEE INTO THE YARD. THERE WAS THE SWEETEST FACE I HAD EVER SEEN, SHIVERING, STANDING IN THE POURING RAIN. NEXT TO A 80 LB SHEEP DOG WAS MY DOG. AS THE LADY OPENED THE DOOR THE LITTLE LOVE BUG RAN STRAIGHT INTO THE HOUSE AND JUMPED UP INTO MY ARMS. SHE KNEW! I WAS HER MOM , MASTER , BEST FRIEND . I LOOKED AT PEGGY WITH A TEAR IN MY EYE, AND SAID IT'S A SIGN. THE WOMAN ALSO KNEW THAT IT WAS MEANT TO BE, AND SOON WE WERE ALL BACK IN THE TRUCK ON THE ROAD BACK TO CHICO, MY HOME AND MY LITTLE DOG'S NEW HOME . ALL THE WAY I PETTED HER AND STROKED HER EARS AND TOLD HER SHE WAS SAFE NOW. NO ONE WAS EVER GOING TO HURT HER EVER AGAIN, AND I ALSO KNEW RIGHT THEN THAT I WOULD DISCHARGE MY PAROLE.
WE ARRIVED HOME. PEGGY INSISTED THAT WE GIVE HER A SUITABLE NAME THAT WOULD MATCH BAILEY'S, SO WE CAME UP WITH BRANDILYNN .
MY 12- LB. RAT TERRIER, COMPLETELY SPAYED, CLIPPED, AND-IMAGINE THAT -TOTALLY HOUSE- BROKEN. IT WAS IN THE NEXT FEW WEEKS THAT THROUGH OUR BONDING MY BABY BRANDI CAME TO CONVEY A STORY TO ME. HER STORY. AN INCREDIBLE STORY, TO SAY THE LEAST, AND YET TOTALLY FEASIBLE.
BRANDILYNN, IT SEEMS, WAS JUST ABOUT TO BE BORN AND WAS PLAYING AROUND HEAVEN WHEN JESUS STOPPED HER. "WELL, MY DEAR LITTLE CREATURE, HAVE YOU CHOSEN YOUR MASTER FAMILY YET?" "YES, SHE HAPPILY REPLIED, I'D LIKE JODY JOY, THE BLUE- EYED ONE." "OH, DEAR CREATURE, UNFORTUNATELY THAT IS NOT POSSIBLE. MY DEAR DAUGHTER JODY HAS LOST HERE WAY AND MUST RETURN TO A HORRIBLE PLACE ON EARTH THEY CALL PRISON. SHE WILL NOT BE AVAILABLE FOR A WHILE." THE LITTLE CREATURE LOOKED VERY SAD AND THEN ASKED THE FATHER, IS THERE NO WAY FOR ME TO EVER GO TO HER, BECAUSE I KNOW THAT I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HERS AND SHE WILL BE A LOVING AND KIND MASTER. THE FATHER SPOKE VERY QUIETLY AT FIRST, AND WITH A PAUSE HE TOLD HER, DEAR CREATURE, THERE IS ONE WAY THAT YOU COULD GO AND SOMEDAY BE WITH HER. YOU WOULD BE BORN AS PLANNED TOMORROW. HOWEVER, I JUST CANT PROMISE YOU A GOOD HOME AS I HAVE CHILDREN WHO ARE LOST, AND ARE MEAN AND CRUEL AND YOU MAY END UP THERE FIRST. I CAN GUARANTEE YOU, HOWEVER, THAT SOMEDAY JODY JOY WILL COME FOR YOU. IT TOOK BRANDILYNN ONLY A MINUTE WHEN SHE LOOKED DOWN INTO THE EYES OF THE BLUE-EYED ONE AND GAVE HER ANSWER. "DEAR GOD, I WILL GO. I WANT TO WAIT FOR JODY, AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE ME SHE WILL FIND ME."


P.S.I CALLED THE CLERK: I NOW HAVE A 25- YEAR- OLD HEALTHY, HAPPY CAT NAMED FIRKADANAL AND HER MOM AND DAD ARE REUNITED AND REFER TO ME AS THEIR CAT ANGEL.....THAT STORY AND MORE ON THE NEXT BLOG.

HITTING BOTTOM

THE INSTANT THAT THE POLICE SLAPPED THE HANDCUFFS ON, I KNEW. IT WAS MY BOTTOM. WAS IT RELIEF? YES! OR WAS IT JUST THAT NOW AFTER 14 MONTHES OF BEING OUT OF PRISON I WAS ON MY WAY BACK TO PRISON. AT FIRST I THINK THAT IT WAS SOME DENIAL. DIDN'T THEY REALIZE JUST HOW WELL I HAD BEEN DOING FOR ALL THIS TIME? JUST BECAUSE I WAS SCREWING UP THE PAST 6 WEEKS, DIDNT THAT FIRST PART COUNY FOR ANYTHING?
AWAKING THE NEXT MORNING ON THE ICE COLD SLAB OF A COUNTY JAIL CELL, I HAD MY ANSWER. I WAS MOST DESERVEDLEY EXACTLY RIGHT WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. THEN IT HIT ME. KINDA LIKE A BIG OL MACK TRUCK. BAM! THIS WAS IT, IT WAS MY BOTTOM. I KNEW THIS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. MY FAMILY HAD TOLD ME THAT IF I MADE BAD CHOICES AGAIN, THEY WERE DONE. I CERTAINLY COULD NOT BLAME THEM AT ALL. I HAD PUT THEM THROUGH SO MUCH HURT AND HEARTACHE. FRIENDS, MY JOB, MY LANDLORD, ANYONE WHOM I HAD BUILT ANY KIND OF TRUST WITH, WAS GONE. EVERYONE NOW KNEW WHAT A LIAR AND DISRESPECTFUL PERSON I WAS. I WAS BROKEN, DEVASTATED, AND IT WAS ALL AT MY OWN HAND, FOR MY OWN SELFISH SELF -CENTERED SELF.
WELL, IT TOOK ME A FEW DAYS TO REALIZE IT BUT I KNEW THAT I HAD NOWHERE ELSE TO GO BUT UP. IT WOULD BE A LONG STRUGGLE. IT WAS MY ABSOULTE BOTTOM, AND MY TOTAL MOMENT OF CLARITY ALSO.
IT WAS DETERMINED THAT I WAS GOING BACK TO PRISON FOR A LITTLE OVER A YEAR, NOT ALL THAT LONG WHEN YOU THINK OF HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO END UP THIS WAY. IT HAD TAKEN ME 45 SELF-SERVING, USING, LYING YEARS. I NOW HAD ONLY A YEAR FOR REFLECTION, A JOURNEY OF DECIDING TO BECOME A BETTER WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE, HEART, INTEGRITY, SOBRIETY, AND THE WOMAN THAT I WAS MEANT TO BE.

WRITE ABOUT WHAT YOU KNOW! HE SAID

I BELIEVE THAT I SHALL ENTITLE THIS PART OF MY JOURNEY THE BLOGPOT. IT IS UNIQUE, AND LONG TIME COMING. IT IS ONE IN WHICH I FEEL THAT I MUST FIRST ACKNOWLEDGE MY INSPIRATIONAL HEART OF HEARTS, MR. STEPHEN T. DAVIS,
FOR WITHOUT HIM AND HIS ENCOURAGEMENT, PATIENCE AND LOVE I WOULD NOT HAVE GOTTEN TO TAKE THIS FIRST STEP. IT IS ALSO BECAUSE OF HIS BELIEF IN ME DESPITE ALL ODDS, AND LOVING ME EVEN WHEN I DID NOT LOVE MYSELF, THAT I AM EMPOWERED ENOUGH TO BEGIN.
I MUST ALSO MENTION THE WONDERFUL GIFT THAT HE SHARED WITH ME THIS PAST WEEKEND, HIS TWO BEAUTIFUL, MAGICAL, DELIGHTFUL AND VERY FUN DAUGHTERS. THEY SOMEHOW IN THEIR MAGICAL WAY GAVE TO ME A CREATIVE GENTLE PUSH THAT INSPIRED ME TO GO FOR IT.
IT WAS INCREDIBLE TO GET TO KNOW THEM. I HAD SUCH A WONDERFUL TIME WITH THEM, IT WAS ALMOST LIKE MY OWN SISTERS.
SO TO YOU ALL THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANKYOU!!!!!!!
THIS IS A TRUE STORY. SOME OF THE DETAILS, WHICH YOU WILL CERTAINLY RECOGNIZE ARE VERY MUCH MY TRUTH. YOU,HOWEVER, MAY FIND IT RATHER UNBELIEVEABLE AND/OR EVEN SCOFF. THIS IS O.K. ALSO, I JUST HOPE THAT IT MIGHT OPEN A HEART OR TWO, MAYBE EVEN A MIND.
I AM A VERY SPIRITUAL PERSON. I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN. WHAT I THINK OF AS SPIRITUAL IS JESUS, THE SON OF GOD. I ALSO FEEL VERY CLOSE TO MY MAKER WHEN I AM DIGGING IN THE EARTH OR LISTENING TO THE OCEAN. I THINK THAT WHATEVER YOU THINK OF AS YOUR GOD IS A GOOD THING, WHATEVER IT IS, AS LONG AS IT IS, HONEST, KIND, TREATS OTHERS AS YOU WANT TO BE TREATED AND WORKS HARD. MY DEAR MOM TAUGHT ME THAT IT WAS THE GOLDEN RULE THAT APPLIED, MUCH MORE THAN WHICH CHURCH PEW I SAT IN. FOR MYSELF I TRULY BELIEVE THIS STORY, EACH AND EVERY WORD OF IT. I HOPE THAT YOU WILL GIVE YOURSELF A CHANCE TO BELIEVE IT ALSO, IF NOT TO BELIEVE, JUST THINK ABOUT.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

THE JOURNEY OF A MILLION MILES BEGINS WITH THE FIRST STEP

I BEGIN THIS JOURNEY TODAY, AND I AM GOING TO REFER TO IT AS THE "BLOGPOT"....

Saturday, August 15, 2009

I DEDICATE MY RANTINGS AND THOUGHTS TO MY INSPIRATIONAL HEART OF HEARTS, MR. STEPHEN T., THE ONE WHO ALWAYS BELIEVED IN ME EVEN WHEN NO ONE ELSE DID, AND ALSO TO HIS VERY MAGICAL, MARVELOUS DAUGHTERS WHO SOMEHOW TOUCHED MY SPIRIT AND HAVE INDEED MOVED ME TO ACTION. I THANK THEM ALL.

SO, THIS IS A STORY THAT IS THE TRUTH AS I BEST KNOW IT AND BELIEVE IT TO BE. SOME PEOPLE WILL NOT THINK IT SO, AND I SAY TO THEM O.K.

I PAROLED FROM PRISON IN MAY AND I WAS READY, WILLING AND ABLE TO NOT ONLY CHANGE MY LIFE AND MY THINKING. I WAS GOING TO GO TO WHATEVER LENGTHS IT TOOK TO ACHIEVE THIS GOAL. YOU SEE, THIS WAS MY SECOND TRIP TO PRISON, AND WHEN I GOT THOSE HANDCUFFS SLAPPED ONTO MY WRISTS I KNEW, WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING, THAT I HAD HIT MY ABSOLUTE BOTTOM.

I GOT TO COUNTY JAIL, KNOWING THAT BECAUSE OF THE CHOICES I HAD MADE I HAD PRETTY MUCH LOST MY FAMILY, FRIENDS AND ANY ONE WHO HAD ANY FAITH IN ME.