Tuesday, November 10, 2009

INSIDE AND OUT FREEDOM

AWAKING IN A PRISON CELL, THROUGH MY OWN SELF- CENTERED ACTIONS, VERY POOR CHOICES AND ILLEGAL BEHAVIORS, THE ONE THING I HAD A LOT OF WAS TIME, TIME TO REFLECT, REGRET, AND TRULY QUESTION WHO I WANTED TO BE. THIS WAS MORE TIME THAN I CAN EVEN BEGIN TO EVER MAKE ANY OF YOU UNDERSTAND, BECAUSE IT WAS CONSTANT, EVEN IN MY SLEEP. ONE OF THE VERY FIRST REALIZATIONS I CAME TO UNDERSTAND IS THAT IT WAS A PRISON WITH BARS AND NO WAY OUT, AND YET I HAD BEEN ENTRAPPED IN MY OWN PRISON FOR SO LONG PRIOR TO THE STATE PUTTING ME IN ONE OF THEIR INSTITUTIONS. I KEPT THINKING HOW? HOW DID I GET HERE? OH, I KNEW MY DISRESPECTFUL CHOICES WERE THE DRIVING FORCE, AND I WAS STILL STUMPED. I KNEW I WAS RIGHT WHERE I BELONGED, AND STILL I COULD NOT FIGURE OUT HOW.
I HAD NOT COME FROM POVERTY, OR A BROKEN HOME OR ANY KIND OF ABUSIVE TYPE OF FAMILY CIRCUMSTANCES, IN FACT, QUITE THE OPPOSITE. I HAD AN AMAZING CHILDHOOD AND FAMILY. MY MOTHER WAS A STRONG AND COURAGEOUS WOMAN WHO LED BY WONDERFUL EXAMPLE. MY ANCESTORS WERE STRONG AND SPIRITUAL PEOPLE WHO OVERCAME MANY ODDS, AND WERE, FROM ALL I'VE BEEN TAUGHT, GREAT AND INCREDIBLE PEOPLE. I WAS ALSO BORN INTO A REMARKABLE FAMILY OF 4 OLDER SIBLINGS, WHO ADORED ME AND SPOILED ME A LOT. THEY ALL ARE ALSO UPSTANDING PEOPLE IN THEIR COMMUNITIES, AND LED ME BY WONDERFUL EXAMPLE. SO I AM GOING TO WRITE THIS BLOG TO FREEDOM, WHAT IT MEANS TO ME, AND ALL THE AMAZING PEOPLE WHO HAVE BROUGHT ME TO THIS PLACE IN MY LIFE, OF BEING FREE ON THE INSIDE AS WELL AS OUT OF ANY INSTITUTION. FOR MYSELF, BEING FREE IS HAVING THE COURAGE TO BE HONEST, MOSTLY WITH ONESELF. IT IS HAVING THE FAITH AND THE COURAGE TO ALWAYS TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR ALL MY ACTIONS, THE GOOD THE BAD AND THE UGLY. IT IS ACCEPTING WHO I AM, LOOKING AT MY CHARACTER DEFECTS AND HONESTLY MAKING AN ATTEMPT TO CHANGE THEM. KNOWING THAT LIFE IS A JOURNEY, A PROCESS, ONE THAT WE LEARN FROM, BY OUR MISTAKES, HOPEFULLY GROW FROM , EVEN IF IT TAKES A TIME OR TWO. I ALSO THINK THAT TRUE FREEDOM COMES FROM KNOWING THAT MY WAY MAY NOT BE YOUR WAY AND THAT IT IS OK. BEING OPEN- MINDED AND WILLING ARE A HUGE PART OF ACCEPTANCE AND IN ORDER FOR ANY ONE TO FORGIVE US WE MUST FORGIVE. TODAY MY GRATITUDE IS SIMPLY FREEDOM, FAMILY, CHOICES, AND LOVING MYSELF ENOUGH TO TELL THIS STORY, SO THAT I CAN HOPEFULLY SHOW SOMEONE ELSE HOW TO HEAL.

Monday, November 9, 2009

I'M BACK! HOORAY!!!

IT'S A NEW MONTH , MY WRIST BRACE IS OFF, AND I AM GENUINELY FEELING SO MUCH BETTER, ALSO VERY GRATEFUL TO BE HEALTHY AND ABLE TO BLOG. I AM SO HAPPY TO BE BACK ON THE COMPUTER AND I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE A STRUCTURED PLAN TO STAY FOCUSED AND DISCIPLINED ENOUGH TO MAINTAIN MY JOY, MY WRITING. SO, HELLO, WELCOME BACK TO ME. I HAVE TRULY MISSED YOU ALL, AND MY DAILY GRATITUDE LIST, AND POSTS, AS WELL AS ALL OF YOUR POSTS. I DO BELIEVE THAT NOW THAT THE BRACE IS OFF I CAN ONCE AGAIN GET BACK IN THE GROOVE. I THANK YOU ALL FOR ALL OF YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS DURING MY ABSENCE. IT MADE ME REALIZE THAT WE ARE ALL A FAMILY OF SORTS. YOUR THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS HAVE DONE MORE FOR MY HEALING PROCESS AND MENTAL HEALTH THAN YOU CAN EVEN IMAGINE. I REALIZE HOW HEALTHY IT IS FOR ME TO HAVE YOU ALL OUT THERE AND FOR MY COMMITTED EFFORTS IN WRITING MY LITTLE BLOG. IN THESE TOUGH TIMES BOTH ECONOMICALLY, HEALTH-WISE, ETC., I BELIEVE THAT I HAVE COME TO COUNT ON YOU ALL AS MY LITTLE EXTENDED FAMILY. WE MUST REMEMBER EACH OTHER, AND, FOR MYSELF, I'D LIKE TO BE A PRODUCTIVE AND RESPONSIBLE MEMBER OF THIS FAMILY. SO I RETURN TO YOU TODAY WITH A MUCH STRONGER WRIST. THE BRUISES ARE HEALING NICELY AND I HAVE REGAINED MY SENSE OF OPEN OPTIMISM.

GRATITUDE LIST
#1.FRIENDS
#2.FAMILY (IN ALL THEIR FORMS)
#3.OPEN- MINDED, WILLING, ABLE
#4.HEALTH
#5.LOYAL, LOVING DOG
#6.CREATIVITY
#7.THANKSGIVING
#8.BEING A SURVIVOR (THANK YOU, MOM)
#9.MY HOME
#10.MY OUTLOOK, GOALS, KNOWING THIS IS ALL A JOURNEY AND A LEARNING PROCESS.