HITTING BOTTOM

THE INSTANT THAT THE POLICE SLAPPED THE HANDCUFFS ON, I KNEW. IT WAS MY BOTTOM. WAS IT RELIEF? YES! OR WAS IT JUST THAT NOW AFTER 14 MONTHES OF BEING OUT OF PRISON I WAS ON MY WAY BACK TO PRISON. AT FIRST I THINK THAT IT WAS SOME DENIAL. DIDN'T THEY REALIZE JUST HOW WELL I HAD BEEN DOING FOR ALL THIS TIME? JUST BECAUSE I WAS SCREWING UP THE PAST 6 WEEKS, DIDNT THAT FIRST PART COUNY FOR ANYTHING?
AWAKING THE NEXT MORNING ON THE ICE COLD SLAB OF A COUNTY JAIL CELL, I HAD MY ANSWER. I WAS MOST DESERVEDLEY EXACTLY RIGHT WHERE I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE. THEN IT HIT ME. KINDA LIKE A BIG OL MACK TRUCK. BAM! THIS WAS IT, IT WAS MY BOTTOM. I KNEW THIS WITH EVERY FIBER OF MY BEING. MY FAMILY HAD TOLD ME THAT IF I MADE BAD CHOICES AGAIN, THEY WERE DONE. I CERTAINLY COULD NOT BLAME THEM AT ALL. I HAD PUT THEM THROUGH SO MUCH HURT AND HEARTACHE. FRIENDS, MY JOB, MY LANDLORD, ANYONE WHOM I HAD BUILT ANY KIND OF TRUST WITH, WAS GONE. EVERYONE NOW KNEW WHAT A LIAR AND DISRESPECTFUL PERSON I WAS. I WAS BROKEN, DEVASTATED, AND IT WAS ALL AT MY OWN HAND, FOR MY OWN SELFISH SELF -CENTERED SELF.
WELL, IT TOOK ME A FEW DAYS TO REALIZE IT BUT I KNEW THAT I HAD NOWHERE ELSE TO GO BUT UP. IT WOULD BE A LONG STRUGGLE. IT WAS MY ABSOULTE BOTTOM, AND MY TOTAL MOMENT OF CLARITY ALSO.
IT WAS DETERMINED THAT I WAS GOING BACK TO PRISON FOR A LITTLE OVER A YEAR, NOT ALL THAT LONG WHEN YOU THINK OF HOW LONG IT TOOK ME TO END UP THIS WAY. IT HAD TAKEN ME 45 SELF-SERVING, USING, LYING YEARS. I NOW HAD ONLY A YEAR FOR REFLECTION, A JOURNEY OF DECIDING TO BECOME A BETTER WOMAN OF SUBSTANCE, HEART, INTEGRITY, SOBRIETY, AND THE WOMAN THAT I WAS MEANT TO BE.